What’s worse than last minute gift shopping is last minute holiday meal cooking. I found myself unexpectedly back at Meijers to pick up some trash bags and noticed quite a few people with a turkey in their shopping cart. I’m talking about the frozen-like-a-cement-block turkey mind you. Now, considering most households intend to serve their holiday supper at 3 pm tomorrow (why do people need to serve dinner three hours ahead of the usual time for holiday anyway?!) there’s no possible way that bird is going to be successfully defrosted in time. I mean, unless you have a microwave oven capacious enough for a 25 pound poodle — or a time machine — you’re not going to be able to soften up the bird.

Now I realize that many if not most supermarkets will be shutting down for the holiday — so I propose broasted turkey vending machines (like those that dispense snacks and candy bars (with the coils) only much larger coils) which offers a perfectly cooked turkey in your choice of sizes. You plunk in your debit card, key-in your bird’s particular coil, WHIRRRR Ker-Plunk! Holiday dinner waiting for you in the bin at the bottom.